Standing in the sludge that my own tears have created I have realized a hard, but liberating lesson. I, in my frail humanity, more often than not do not like change that I don’t initiate. I tend to grip tight to anything that isn’t my choice to adjust. White knuckles with the circulation cut off creating numbness and eventually some really unhealthy issues that effect every part of who I am. I grip. And I don’t let go. Why? Why is this my response to others or circumstances or life or God imposing change on me? The simple answer each one of us would say is “fear”. But if I dig around a little more and a little deeper into my soul I would say that I like control. I like things my way. I like to like everything. I don’t want to not like anything. So my real answer as to why I grip is “fear of loosing control and not having it my way”. So selfish of me, but it is true. And when I dig even deeper I have discovered that this fear really comes from not trusting my maker to make my life full. Wow. Just wow. That is a hard one to say out loud. I don’t trust God.
….Because if I did, I would have no problem with any change that comes sweeping me into a whirlwind. I would instead, throw my hands up and smile while whirling about so unsure of where I will land. But, sadly, this is not where I start my journey when it comes to change. Instead I grip. I grip as the wind blows and I try to stay put. Stay in my little bubble that somehow feels safe and good for the moment.
And that hard lesson I learned, well, it’s this… if I just let go, if I just trust, if I just enjoy the moment my bubble is popped and the world begins to adjust… I would find freedom. I would find joy. I would find the adventure I have been begging for. I would find that every one of these moments God is moving my life closer to him, deeper into him, fuller than I could ever dream or imagine. I would find myself, my true honest self. I would find my dreams alive and my mission clearer than before. I would find life.
So, I let go. I choose to approach the winds of change with my hands wide open. Trusting God. Enjoying the ride. No more living in fear. Loosing control. Excited for change, any kind of change. Living life to it’s fullest. Wide open.